MOtiVatING mySELF

Motivation and hard work

I have been thinking about how to motivate myself. How to spur myself on to do something when there is no-one else to do it for me, or no-one to apologise to when it isn’t done.

This has permeated my life and reduced my potential.

So I decided to consider what it was that made me do things, that helped me to achieve goals and to see what it would take to replicate them in a way I could feel comfortable with.

I was recently given the honor of being a best man. Which meant that I needed to organise a stag party and give a speech at the wedding.

Now these were two very specific dates I *had* to do things by.

I am a person who doesn’t necessarily like, but is highly motivated by deadlines. It’s a perverse ‘like’ to feel myself forced to do something by a particular time.

I was able to produce, by the deadline, an enjoyed by all stag do and one of the best best man speeches many in the room had ever heard.

After analysing the whole process I noticed four features enabled me to complete this goal:

One-  Deadline
If I hadn’t had that deadline, laid down by others, I know I wouldnt have had it done by that time, if at all.

Interestingly, whilst I felt forced by the timescale into doing these things, i enjoyed putting it all together.

So I need a concrete end date…a finish line if you will. One which does not move, will enable me to get things done, and by that I mean finished.

Two- Shame
I completed the task becuase I did not want to let other people down. Well actually I have come to realise that at heart I am somewhat selfish. So I realised it was more to do with, not letting myself down in the eyes of others, specifically friends (hmm, or I suppose clients too…interesting thought).

In the past I have comitted to going on a course, got half way through and run off, not completing it. But with this, I couldn’t run away from my friends even if i had wanted to.

Three- Reminders
When I have set myself mini goals and not achieved them, I had been motivated right at the beginning, in fact, perhaps for at least the first week. Then *boom*, lose focus, do something else instead and there goes the goal.

And I was doing this with the stag do, i have to admit. It took my friend the groom, to call me up occasionally to ask how it was going, that kick started me again into the work. It was amost like I had forgotten what i was doing, lost my way a little.

Reminders  will work to keep myself on track, now to figure out what kind.

Four- Inspiration
I know that when i am inspired I will focus and enjoy doing the thing I don’t want to do, so trick number four is to find what inspires me and look at it once a week. Which means, scheduling a slot to look, listen or talk about something. This however brings about its own problems, because that is a mini goal in itself I need to keep….for myself!

All of this is no one-off. Writing this page I remembered writing a school play which I was bulled into doing. I stressed out for days on end about it but it ended up being the most humerous play of the entire school show!! (and it will remain one of my most proud moments.)

I had to write…..

something.

Do I need glasses?

 

virtual glasses

I went to the opticians (specsavers) last week for an eye check. They diagnosed me with +1 long sight in both eyes, with a slight Cylindrical and Axis distortion in the left over the right. The optician said that I would benefit from glasses, especially while watching TV and using the computer.

 

I was quite chuffed, strangely you may think. Perhaps many people don’t want glasses, but I was looking forward to getting some.

 

Today I booked myself in to the local independant opticians for again, an eye test. This time, the prescription was +.5 and +.25 (L and R), over half what the Specsavers optician had said.

Why would this be different?

A couple of ideas popped into my head. 

1) Specsavers are a mass market glasses retailer who will sell anyone glasses.

2) Bearing in mind the test was only a tenner, the optician at Specsavers was perhaps on a low rate of pay and was working in a dimly lit smelly basement, never good for the moral and interest.

3) The local independent optician given that he has set up his own ’surgery’ has a greater self interest in serving the needs of his clients and probably a greater respect and keenness on his chosen profession.

I worked in a photography company which was run who I imagine Specsavers to be. Charge’m nothing, pack’em in, make the money on volume of sales (debateably at the expense of quality and care taken).

Compare that to working for an independant photographer who has been doing his own thing for 20 years and you begin to see why I went for a second opinion.

 

I found the independent optician to be more interested, happy, keen and knowledgeable (thus confirming my suspicions). But taking that out of the equation and assuming each were equally as competent. Why so different on 2 different days?

I can put this down to a few factors..

Specsavers used a projector to display the sight charts (similar in experience to your computer LCD screen), Mr Independent used a traditional ’sight box’ (flat translucent screen with a light behind).  I found the projected image more difficult to read than the light box and the specsavers optician took readings in complete darkness whereas the independent’s room was well light with natural light.

The second factor may have been that over the last few days I have been taking copious amounts of vitamin C for a cold I currently have. This does tend to make my eyes feel better and it was confirmed by the optician today that VitC is good for the eyes.

My vision certainly felt sharper today compared to last week, but still who was right, glasses or not glasses?

 

I figure that in the worst case scenario (ie with the lights out watching tv or the computer lcd screen) glasses would help. But in a normal scenario I don’t need them. Most of the time I will be in a ‘normal’ scenario, so why bother.

 

I am still looking forward (no pun intended) to getting glasses if the true need ever arises.

Running for the Heart Foundation

 

On the way

Yeah, I did it. 2 and a half miles. Who would’ve thought it hey?

 

If you wish to sponsor me for doing it paste this into your browser’s address bar.. http://www.justgiving.co.uk/andyfunrun

 

At the finish

Curvy and Friends

Life

More thoughts on jobs me and money

Why do i find it easier to work for no money than for money. Its like doing it for free makes it more rewarding?

Is it because i feel i am giving of myself benevolently is it that accepting money makes me feel like a prostitute?

I want to feel good when I work, I want to feel that work values my principles, can i get this while earning money as well? Perhaps the issue of earning money butts up against my freedom issue. By giving me money does it make me feel people are tying me in, are they saying here is what you need to live and of you don’t do this, you won’t get it.

Is money then like an addictive drug, as soon as i see it in return for my work i feel enslaved by it. Do I fear not getting it and then get resent ‘they’ are making me feel like this?

A conversation begins in my head between a older man, a stranger, and a young boy….

Would you like some candy little boy..go on, do something I want you to do and i will give you some.

Wow, is that the way i feel about working for money, like a dirt old man is trying with a lure to get me to do something I don’t want to do.

Another imaginary conversation between a employer and an employee….
“yes, this job pays £16,000 a year and your responsibilities are outlined below”
AKA
‘You had better work or you don’t get the money’

Kind’ve like overbearing parents using guilt to get their kids to do something…a method which I hate and have always rebelled against.

So I go after all these ideas of work I would love to do and get caught up in these internal rebellions because I don’t feel comfortable accepting money for what I do!!?

I want to feel like I have helped someone, how can I do this when I am accepting something in return? The playing field becomes level and I want it to be unbalanced with me at the top having given something to someone.

Ahh, so perhaps its an ego thing. Makes me feel good to give something to someone makes me better than them? By giving me money it means I am not better than them, I am actually the same as every one else and this hurts my fragile ego.

And then my thoughts get on to….
“So if I am going to receive money then I better receive a lot of it because I am worth it goddammit, £5/hour is way below what I deserve”.

Oooh, so we’re coming to the kernel of the issue. It may all be based around my need to feel superior to people (no payment) and issue of not feeling highly valued enough when I am paid, if paid poorly.

What a binding situation, no wonder I have job issues!!!

There is another more positive less reproachful way of looking at it…..perhaps I am just someone who doesn ‘t quite get this whole working for money thing.

Meh! Perhaps I am not born for the capitalist lifestyle, perhaps i would rather work for the greater good than work for myself. Perhaps deep down I know that this isn’t what life’s about.

Perhaps I should go live with the Amazonian tribesmen who trade goods and do things for their community with nothing needed in return. Their houses are made by people who do the same their food is cooked likewise, everyone helps each other.

So is there a resolution to this. Yup, find something I love to do so much that I don’t care how much they pay me. Then the fact I love it will shine through, I will eventually start to earn more money as I am valued more.

So pretty much the same as everyone else then

Poem – ‘To be me’

 

To Be Me

To be me is to be curious,
all different, complex,
a multitude of people
all fighting at once.

A teacher, a counselor, a mediator, a priest,
a poet, a writer, a cooker of feasts.

A Crystal, an Indigo, an I.N.F.P.,
a Da Vinci, a Star Child, a bringer of peace,
a learner, a wiseman, a passer of trade
of knowledge from ancients most recently betrayed.

I bring you an answer, a truth for our time,
the facts that you need are buried inside.
To show it, to heal it needs
a measure of trust,
friends who honor you,
not grind you to dust.

Some time spent in solitary
to be who you are.
Some time spent on purpose
to discover your star.

But don’t listen to me to
tell you your answer,
be curious and hopeful,
grow up and be a life dancer.

By Andrew Maxwell
Published in the 2006/2007 Filton College yearbook

 

The trouble with jobs…

Poem – Where is this all going?

 

Full of Fear

 

Full of fear
I walk towards the light.
Full of fear I seek the truth,
Full of hope I join the fray
Full of wonder I ask for my best
to help myself to pass the test.

 

Here I go, a journey of smiles,
I will need support to last the miles.
Perhaps it will come in the form of desire
longing to pull me from the mire.
From the mire of fear and self deceipt,
I want to stay here,
I won’t be leaving with a blank receipt.

 

Full of fear I ask for the choice.
Full of hope I seek my future.
Full of praise for the natural tutor.
Full of wonder I ask for my best.
Full of praise I stand up to this life, the test.

Baby Steps

Hi, my name is Mark and I am but still young…

Right now I am doing something I don’t have a name for buy grouwn-ups call it crawling. Apparently in a little while I am expected to do something call walking. I don’t exactly know what that is but it involves using my feet but not my hands. It’s a very strange idea, can’t think of why I should want to do that, this seems perfectly adequate.

Sometime later: Its a few weeks after my last posting and I am getting deep urges to do this two legged thing. Yesterday I gave it a go and fell over straight away, but that’s ok. I shook myself off, it was a shock hitting the ground but I will give it another crack tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Well I gave it a go today but still haven’t cracked it yet. Again tried to just use my feet but fell over once more, will try again tomorrow.

The next day: Ok, so here we are again, I tried it once more today and still no luck, I will be better tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Determined to crack this 2 feet-no hands thing and I realised that by finding support I could hold myself in a kind of 2 feet position, even if I couldn’t do it fully. Wanted to stay there but got tired and fell down. It’s looking good. I will rest a few days and try again next week.

Next week: Well well! I held myself up on 2 feet for longer than before, with the support of my trusty teddy (he’s very big). But what do I do now? Perhaps if I keep doing this I will get there (and at least this is better than where I was last week, I couldn’t even do it then).

The week after: Took one hand off teddy today, fell back down. Well chuffed. Next day: Took both hands off teddy today, many claps from my grown-ups, it made me feel good and I want to do it for longer next time.

Next time: Now I am getting kisses and hugs from my grown-ups…..I did the two feet thing and raised my hands in the air!

Now: I can stand and, ok, it isn’t for a long time before I need my grown-ups to catch me, but they are pleased and that’s good enough for me. Will crack it soon.

End of Diary Entry for Mark, a 35 year old lawyer who dreams of being a singer.

At the Chiropractors

I was at the chiropractors today…long story…and got chatting to the receptionist. Said that I was looking for a job and she mentioned there was a receptionists role going there.

It would be a lovely job, great people, nice environment, but it wouldn’t pay the money I need to live.

Then I had this light-bulb moment which nutshelled all the thoughts i have had about jobs over the last few years.

Culminating in two camps. It was like a clearing of the waves in my mind……

1 > I would love to work there, but i would get frustrated that i wasn’t able to do anything as I would have no money.

2> working in a business environment would give me the money I need to have a life outside work but it would frustrate me as I would feel constrained by the office environment and hierarchy.

So either I have one, or the other.

[Never think that a period in between work is dead time, on the contrary it is a time to reflect and consider your life.]
Both?

A couple of philosophical questions popped up….
1) How can I have both?
2) Would I work at the Chiropractors if they paid me £20000 a year?

Firstly …2)
Yes i believe I would. I would get bored after a while but it would be a lovely place to work.

Secondly..1)
So how can I have a lovely work environment and earn decent money?
Working for someone else I would need to work my way up an organisation so I could feel I had some measure of responsibility and independence, or, work for myself.

Snow and Rock

Similar thoughts occurred when I was thinking about the Boot Fitting job at Snow and Rock. In that I would really like to do the job but only if it paid more.

I would need something else to do in the evenings to relieve that frustration at being ordered around and anything I want to do requires money. Then I get frustrated about not having money. Then i get frustrated about the job not paying enough money and frustrated from not being able to release myself from the frustration of working for someone else.

Seeing a Careers Counsellor

I went to see a careers counsellor, wow I am so conceited sometimes. I really thought that she wouldn’t tell me anything that I could trust. How could ‘they’ know how I feel about work?

We talked for a while I mentioned a few things I liked and she mentioned the idea of a Tour Guide. Not just any tour guide..and adventure tour guide.

This would certainly fulfil alot of my needs, but what about the money?

She brought up an interesting concept. Faith. She told me to have faith. Choosing something that I would be happy doing will lead to good things.

I mentioned the money situation and she talked about having to go backwards to go forwards. Again, she is so right, “but” I asked “where will it go”.
“Faith” she said.

Where now?

As my previous entry stated I will be going back into IT. Primarily to earn money. It’s the lesser of two evils right now

The biggest mistake we could ever make in our lives is to think
we work for anybody but ourselves. ~ Brian Tracy

Selfish Behaviour?

That’s it, working for other people officially sucks.

I have decided to do something for myself for a change.

My jobs over the recent past have been focused on trying to get a balance between helping others and helping myself at the same time (a typical Virgo issue). Or a balance between what I think others think I should do and what I want to do (I wrote that sentence and still had to read it twice to make sense of it!).

Anyway, as yet, life isn’t quite how I want it. So now its all about me.

“It’s a strange thing about life, if you ask for it, you will usually get it. What are you asking for?” ~ unknown

Stuff working for others i want to work for myself, be self directed.

I have tried to find something I can enjoy and which will give me a lifestyle want and I have found many things which were close, but not quite the cigar I was looking for.

It doesn’t help that if someone said to me
“So Andrew, what lifestyle DO you want?”.
I would probably have a million answers.
Hence why I don’t trust what anybody else advises me to do, their advice can’t take into account my ever changing moods, need, wants and desires.

Thinking about it for a mo’ I guess then my answer to the question would be..

“I want life to be a constantly changing experience, one which is different day by day”

..which is really what I AM already doing.

The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

Anyway, back to work…Work i do during the day for someone else is just to fill in time whilst i develop the other things i enjoy. Day-work for others it is the stuff i do to earn the money i require to live and eat whilst my brain ticks over the other options constantly making plans and inventing ideas.

So, if some bloke wants to pay me good money to sit on a helpdesk and answer phone calls in order that I can a) Paraglide b)Ski c) start my on business d) play guitar etc. then great.

For now, I have decided to go back into IT. I will probably earn about £16,000 as an IT helpdesk bloke, with no particular aspirations to go further than that. But is the absolute minimum I need to live in this country. Then I can go about ordering my life around the pursuit of happiness.

Its what the last 6 years have been about really, finding out what makes me happy.

Back then I may have thought that work alone was meant to make me happy…(and I still am on the pursuit of work which does)…but now have a more balanced view. So I am now going after things outside work which make me happy and lets see if any kind of work comes out of that.

What Work?
—————–
For work to make me happy I need to do something which is personally meaningful, which is a self-directed force, an outpouring of my creative ambition, something which is an expression of me. I can put my heart and soul into it, I can focus and give my full self to in the belief that it is where I was meant to be.

“Seek out that particular mental attitude which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, “This is the real me,” and when you have found that attitude, follow it.” ~ W James.

And people, remember…

“The biggest mistake we could ever make in our lives is to think we work for anybody but ourselves”. ~ Brian Tracy

Thanks for listening.

Andy

Fasting for Ramadan

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to partake in a sponsored fast on 10th October. The idea being to better understand the Muslim faith.

During Ramadan one is not allowed to eat or drink between sun-up and sun-down. That translates to 5.30am to 6.30pm.

At 5pm the few at the college who are doing this will drive down to Radio Ramadan, Bristol to join a group of Muslims who run the station break their fast.

I couldn’t resist writing a blog…

<< Written @ 8am >>

I woke at 5.30 to organise breakfast, of course it took half an hour to get out of bed so i rushed to get my large meal organised by the 6.30 cut off time. Bacon, eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms..mmmmmmmmm. I finished it off on time and went back to bed for an hour! Still woke feeling groggy

At this point I must admit to forgetting the nil-by-mouth rule by groggily brushing my teeth at 8am. I am sure all willl be ok

<< Written @ 12.30pm >>

It’s now 12.30 and I neeed to stop thinking about the hugh nosh-up at Radio Ramadan this evening – the more I think about those steaming bowls of rice and veggie’s and…and….drooooooll!! How Muslisms do this in hot countries for a whole month I don’t know. I was thirsty about half an hour after leaving for walk….no water all day..aggghh!

Well, if millions of people can do this for weeks on end, I am sure I can!!

6 hours to go!

<<@1pm>>

Ok, so now my concentration is going, I feel a bit spacey as my blood sugar level drops below critical! If this was a nuclear reactor men in silver suits would be running around waving their hands in the air. But it’s not and I must peresvere. It’s a shame I haven’t vast stores of fat on me to cushion the blow. Ahh, the perils of being thin.

5 1/2 hours to go.

<<@2.30>>

I am flagging. I feel spacey, a touch high. Complete lack of concentration and I don’t care about anything. Tired because I woke early and from a lack of food. But its strange I don’t feel that hungry. 4 hours to go!

<<@4pm>>

I just want to eat, give me sugar. My legs are weak and my hands are shaking slightly. I am SO tired!

2 1/2 hours to go.

<<@6pm>>

I have arrived at Radio Ramadan, Bristol and it appears we are expected to be on the air to talk about ourselves. If anyone would like to tune to 87.7fm and are in the Bristol area they will hear me and a couple of tutors talking about our experiences of the day. Can’t write anymore, i’m going into the studio!

<< @7pm >>

Well my brush with local fame is over. It was interesting having the headphones over my ears and hearing myself talk. I sound studly! Apparently, according to their website there are 30,000 Muslims in bristol….i wonder who was listening to my dribble. It went something like this. …

Presenter: ” So Andy, you have told us that you work with students with learning difficulties. What do you think are the benefits of having a multi-faith community at the college”

Me: “erm…right..well….i think it’s great that there are people of all faiths at the college, it’s helpful to learn about people with different faiths to your own”

I started to loose it a little here…no idea what to say next and was completely unprepeared for this question so my brain was saying… ‘you are repeating yourself Andy, wrap this up, now’ so I said the killer line…

Me: “….and after all, we are all the same right, just with different beliefs. “

OOOH baby, a rubbish beginning with a cracking end…..ahhh. the fonze is back!

<< @8pm >>

We started eating at 6.30 and boy was I looking forward to that! Rice, meat, potatoes and bahji’s after my low blood sugar level induced babbling over the airwaves..LUSH!! I even got a doggy bag to take home. Thanks to all those at Radio Ramadan 87.7 Bristol.

So that was the text about how much I missed the food….but seriously…

I learned that Ramadan exsists amongst other things ‘ help learn self restraint ‘ (wikipedia), because Muslims are commanded to (person at Radio Station) and because it helps us to understand starving and water deprived people all around the world (another person at the station). So essentially, it is part of their belief system and they do it for a number of reasons. All of which, strangley for a non-relgious person, an infidel, makes sense.

I appreciated the experience, I can see the reasons and I would do it again next year, but perhaps no more than that.

<>The next day>>

I feel really good! I could concentrate and was more focused than normal. Coincidence?

Before Bed

It’s a nice bathroom, technically a wet-room. Toilet, bathroom, heated tile floors, all in one.

What I am dreaming of right now…..

*sigh*…..

Hi Polly,

hi polly,

I thought Barrow Gurney village hall sounded a wierd place to play, very local-yokal, but then I had never been there. It turned out to be a warm and atmospheric place with great acoustics. And i really do think that those seaguls hanging from the ceiling helped to set a nice tone in an otherwise quite angular, local, village hall….no, really!

I was so pleased to meet you tonight. I have listened to and loved your music for a few years now and have looked forward to seeing you live for so long. Tonight you blew me away with your music, a great mix of alternate tuning songwriting and vocal emotion, just incredible, thanks.

For all those who haven’t seen Polly, or should I say, seen how her audience reacts to her it’s fascinating. The whole lot of us were all spellbound, i think we all forgot to start clapping at the end of one of the songs because we were too lost in the music!

I hope you come back to Bristol soon.

Andy

http://www.pollypaulusma.com

5:30am

It’s early, real early. I’ve woken up and can’t get to sleep again. Hoards of thoughts and ideas are going through my mind – about people, jobs, situations but more than that, about possibilities.
Then it strikes me, my life has always been about these possibilities. It’s been like that since I was 10 seconds old. Every day I want something new, every time I go out in the evening, every time I meet people, everywhere I go something has to be different. It’s like I crave the ever changing nature of life.
I know I could ever go to a class and be happy doing it every Tuesday at 7:30pm. I don’t think I would ever be content meeting the same people at the same pub at the same time every week regularly, I would get bored.
This anti-neutrality of situation pervades all aspects of my life. You will have noticed it most with my job situation. Or should I say situations.
Change, constant change, variation, lack of sameness, rotation, movement, vibration. All is good.

If the most torturous fate
was a mind, caged,
who would understand?

If you always found life’s elixir
in striving rather than getting,
who would understand?

If you gambled rather than nest-egged
and hit jackopt once of seven,
who would understand?

(from 'The nudist on the late shift' by Po Bronson)

Boogie Nights Meets Star Wars!!

Ok so it’s not about me, but it’s so funny! (and rude)

Back at school :)

(me, in February, chilling as a teacher)

I have been working back at Filton College for 2 weeks now. Previously I worked there as a teacher, 4 months, covering maternity leave. It was a powerful and enjoyable time and I learned many things about myself, what I was capable of, and what I was not.

I badgered a few people before left about working there next academic year and after waiting for a month they offered me some working interviewing students for this year’s intake.

I really enjoy being there, its a relaxed unpressured place with lovely people.

After work today (10am-4pm, bliss!) i went back to staff room where I spent my days from February to June. I hadn’t returned there since leaving 2 months ago.

It was weird. it felt like I was looking at my old desk through someone else’s eyes, like it hadn’t been me teaching there.

Perhaps it had been me, but a different me. An old me, one from a different time.

I can liken the feeling to if you were to return to your junior school, 20 years later. Everything might be the same as you remember it, but it would feel different, like a different life.

I became wistful about the teaching roll, remembering the camaraderie in the staff room, the friendships forged in battles against time and necessity and the relief at having achieved a tall task. But at the same time knowing that no matter how much I missed them, that role wasn’t me, it wasn’t where my true skills lie, close, but no cigar.

Now I am back there I am scouring the college subversively to find a job, any job, which will keep me there. I have my foot in the door and want to get my leg through the crack.

Keep well.

Andy

Bristol Harbour festival Slideshow

I met up with all sorts of friends last weekend. Friends from London, students from the college where i taught and Bristol based friends. I had a great time and plenty of laughs. You will have to wade through the firework pictures to get to the ones of me and the pirates

Riding Around West Yorkshire

I am up visiting my good friend Tony this weekend and I brought my bike with me. Yesterday we went for a ride along the Leed to Liverpool canal (a 116 mile length of towpath). We didn’t dare to attempt the full 116miles so we did  8!

We passed the famous 5 rise locks and the Salt Textile Mills of  Shipley. The 5 rise locks is a series of 5 canal locks in a row and there can’t be many of them about.

I look a bit gaunt in this picture. I have just got over a chest infection which removed alot of weight from me. e.g. Here’s a picture of me from a wedding the week before..

Andy’s entered a photo competition

The Telegraph newspaper in association with Curry’s (an electrical store in the UK) are running an online photo competition.

There are 4 catagories to enter photo’s under:

Our People, Our Places, Our Events and Our Environment.

The idea being that the best photo captures a ‘moment’ which defines people/a place/an event/ or our natural environment.

I could win a DSLR!

If you get a moment, click on the links below to vote for my pics. Interestingly the votes don’t actually go towards the final result they are ‘just for enjoyment and don’t influence the result’.

Well, maybe, but if one of the judges sees a picture of mine up there and then see’s it when he’s judging them, that tiny piece of familiarality might just help me.

Go on, click now, thanks

Picture 1 Picture 2

Picture 3 Picture 4

Picture 5 Picture 6

Picture 7 Picture 8

Picture 9 Picture 10

Picture 11 Picture 12

Photo of the day

Colour or Black and White Photography?

“When you photograph people in color, you are photographing their clothes. When you photograph them in B&W, you photograph their souls.”    — Ted Grant.

Nice quote, and so true. Taking the colour away means your eyes go straight away to the person’s face more specifically their eyes and expression. Much better for people shots as your mind will get distracted from the person in the picture by the colours around them.

So, this picture of me needs changing into Black and White, oh hold on, I’m not wearing clothes!!!

New poem on ‘Lyrics and potions of my thoughtful mind’

Hey All,

I have posted a new poem on my Lyrics and Potions…. blog.

Enjoy.

Click HERE

Ghosts and realities – shame and criticisms from my past and how they affect my future

Dear teachers, early influencers,
and those from my school days,

This goes out to you all. All of you who criticised my actions, laughed at what I was saying, smirked behind my back at the true expressions of myself and those of you who shouted “How dare you?” when I did not understand the consequences of my actions.

You may ask “What did I do wrong?” and I am here to tell you.

You locked away my own truth, you pushed the true me and the actions by which I express myself into a dark corner. You did this both emotionally, with your sarcastic ego trips and physically when you sent me for punishment.

Every time you did this (I don’t know if you noticed this or not) I took it in. I drank your criticism like it was water laced with poison, and then shrunk away like a scolded puppy.

Over time, these retributions for my supposed ‘transgressions’, built walls between ‘me’ and the outward expression of myself. And they now impose a limit on what I am willing to express of myself. They have shamed me into conforming to your rules.

I feel what I now know as shame whenever I express myself. So early in a creative process does this shame kick in. that in many instances I never even get to the first stage of any activity I do. I prefer to hide my dreams away believing somehow that they are pointless or wrong.

I am extremely proud of those things I have achieved those times I have fully seen a project through. More often than not though I have been forced to by other people and criticised because of my actions.

For example:

Under duress I wrote a play for my ‘house’ play competition while at school. This was forced upon me by you emotional bullies who wanted nothing to do with it. From time to time you would come into my room, look at and then criticise what I had written. I remember thinking (note the ironic turn of phrase) “How dare you put down my work when you are just sitting there on your backsides doing nothing but pretending you are more important than me.”

The play really was a painful birth. However, when it was shown it turned out my writing had perfectly captured the attitudes of those emotional bullies playing it and the audience loved it. I will remember for the rest of my life the person (a peer) who came up to me at the end to tell me he thought it was a great play. I will also remember sitting in the gallery watching my peers fall about laughing to what I had written. (I should add that it only last 10 minutes until it was thrown off for “…not being in the spirit of the house play competition”!).

One further example was my ski trip to Canada where I know a number of you [whether ghosts in my memories or people around at the time] were criticising my actions believing it wasn’t going to lead anywhere, it wasn’t going to lead to a ‘proper job’ or ‘it’s just another one of Andy’s dreams’. Well people, it gave me more than a ‘proper job’ could ever have done. It gave me hope, courage, discipline, insight, strength of character and faith in my own abilities. So screw you.

Here we are folks in 2007 and those ghosts and realities have been affecting me all this time. However I forgive you. And I forgive that part of me taking on board what you were saying. You were not doing it intentionally; you may even have been doing it because you believed you were helping.

If you fall into this category and are feeling criticised by all this I would ask you do one thing. Recognise when you are criticising someone else using your beliefs on how the world should be. Recognise that everyone has their own way of doing things which isn’t necessarily wrong. More importantly recognise when you are shooting him or her down for doing their own thing. Then apologise if possible and make a mental not to catch yourself earlier next time.

That’s it. Thanks for reading. I am off down to the framers to get my ‘school play’ poster posthumously mounted and put up in its proper place, on my wall.

Why landfill stuff, when you can give it away for free?!

I have just had a great experience using Freecycle (http://www.freecycle.org/groups/unitedkingdom/). I was about to put my 17″ old style Dell CRT monitor on ebay, but after checking what they were going for decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. I would rather have it gone out of my room quickly than sit around for a week and make £5 out of it.

It took much self-convincing to do it, my brain was saying “NOOOOO, get the money, get the money”. But when I imagined it gone, versus another week of it sitting about on my floor, there was no contest, the £5 could go jump!

So I advertised it on Freecycle Bristol. Its a great place for you to advertise stuff you are giving away and its local to you, too.

Within 5 minutes I had a call from a Video Media student who wanted it to edit videos with. He came round to collect it within 15 minutes. FANTASTIC, that thing has been sitting around my room for over a year doing nothing!

He was so grateful too, and there was me suprised at this…I was happy to have it gone. But I suppose I was giving it to him

Written work for a friend’s website.

This is some text I wrote for a friends website, she is just starting up as an NLP therapist.

“Marcia is an accredited therapist who will use tools and techniques to re-progam the unconcious mind enabling you to experience events without the negative emotions which would normal hold you back.

Your perspective on life will be altered and situations where previously you felt unhappy or dispontant, scared or frustrated will now be more accurate and positive. In fact you may wonder why you ever had those fears in the first place.

For example have you ever stood up in front of an audience to pubic speak, how did you feel…Scared? Would you like to feel something else instead…Excitement? With Marcia, you can create that, together.

Marcia doesn’t just sit there and talk, she involves you in the process by asking you to imagine, picture and feel, it is a truly interactive session.

So come to the Enso rooms and experience what it is like to look forward to your goals, look forward to your future. But this time looking forward not with worry but with excitement and while you are at it give yourself a pat on the back for owning up to your own fears.

You are worth making a change for, you are worth helping, you are worth whatever it is you want.

Be your own best friend and let somone guide you. let that person be Marcia.”

I am proud of this. Having re-read it a month later it’s a little clunky but pretty professional IMHO and just a touch of ‘American’ without being too cheesy.

Check out her site, at

http://lifestylemechanics.webeden.co.uk/

Good luck Marcia

New Photo’s on my Flickr Site

I have just added tons of previously unseen photo’s. Many from my work in the studio with families and kids.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/skiprophoto/sets/

The shots are now organised into descreet sets and you could use this link to access them from now on if you wish.

There are 2 ways to catch up with what I have recently uploaded

1) My photo feed, subscribe http://api.flickr.com/services/feeds/photos_public.gne?id=20004110@N00&format=rss_200

2) A Flickr photo preview has been installed on the right hand side of this page, this only shows the most recent 3.

 

Enjoy