New ‘About Me’ page text

My New ‘About Me’ page for this blog

Early on in andrew’s life he decided that a non-conformist route would suit him best. Something perhaps to do with a rigid catholic school upbringing, but whatever it was, it has taken him down some interesting routes.

Andrew has been a ski-instructor, psychology teacher, I.T. consultant, car-park atendant, barrista, ski boot fitter, running shoe gait analyser, directory enquiries operator, shop worker. Phew!

What Andrew does for a living is important to him, whatever it happens to be at that time, it’s always something which resonates with his inner life.

“I want to connect with people, help them in some way, but I also feel it’s important to help myself by enjoying the process. Life can be about excitement and that’s what I constantly strive for.”

Writing is a integral part of Andrews life. His words allow him to express thoughts and ideas which otherwise would go unsaid and he wants his primary writing focus- topics of self-help and insight – to be that which will help others on their way. He is also in the process of writing a childrens book about a young girl who daydreams alot!

The way he wishes to help people as well as himself is not something he has fully defined yet but this blog has been a starting point on the road of inspiration. Read his post on ‘Life is like a game of table football’ for the type of writing he loves to do.

For the warriors, remembering who we want to be.

Recently I have been reading pages upon pages of articles about making money on the internet and of being your own boss.

I am interested in the other side of life, the non-conformist route to living. That route which takes me away from 9-5, takes me away from spending the majority of my waking hours sitting uninspired in front of a computer monitor earning money for someone else.

When we talk about the industrial revolution we talk of poor working conditions, of slavery like pay and hours. We believe its gone away, as if it’s somewhere in the past. Is it really?

Perhaps if you work uninspired behind a computer in a dimly lit, cave-like, office, you might like to think about whether that belief is true.

As I write these words a feeling of shame pervades my system, as if I should take those almost inflamatory words back. But I won’t, as I know that feeling is born of the need to conform, to apologise for the way I am and what I feel.

Well, I won’t do that. And I won’t listen to the people who tell me I should either. They are not my friends.

What I will do is point you towards places and people you can read about and listen to. People who have chosen to leave the ‘new industrial revolution’ to live a life that they themselves dreamt up.

This is fast becoming a passion of mine. And I am not alone.

Here’s a starter for you. Chris Guillebeau has an uncommon perspective on working life as he has never worked a ‘normal’ job. Embracing the possibilities the internet has to offer to communicate with people, he decided to live the way he wanted to, tell people about it and help them to do similarly, but importantly, only if they want to.

He sounds like a great guy, check out his site (subscribe to his blog, it makes some enlightening reading)…oh and download his pdf’s, they’re a great inspiration.

The Art of Non-Conformity

Andy

I want the world

I want the world

If I could focus my thoughts.

There is an argument for having a single focus. If I could capture all my stray thoughts into one venture I could own the world

Play the circle game (organizing your life)

Buy a copy of Steve Chandler’s (link) 100 Ways To Motivate Yourself: Change Your Life Forever. For those people who wish for a better life, reading one page a day is a fantastic way of giving yourself a reminder in the morning of the possibilites your life could hold. It’s an inspirational speed-up

I thought I would share one of the ‘100 ways’ I read this morning. This is Number 67 ‘Play the circle game ‘.

The day to day activities of life will serve to move your focus away from your dreams of a perfect life if you let it. By incorporating this game into your daily habits you can bring your focus back to what you want it to be.

Use this for realising your dreams. By ‘realising’ I mean not only bringing them to fruition but also understanding how they are not something in the far off future but are now, in this day, in every action you take.

Here are my efforts from this morning (excuse the scrawl!).

One of my life goals (click for larger image)

The idea is to draw four circles.

Label the first:

“Lifelong Dream”

Then write something into it.

For simplicity Steve Chandler uses a monetary example.

You want to, say, save half a million dollars for your retirement, write it into your circle.

Label the second “My Year”. Here you write what you need to save this year and every year (remember to include interest), in order to reach your Lifelong Dream target.

Then label the third circle “My Month”. What do you need to save this month in order to meet your yearly target. So now, half a million dollars doesn’t look so scary, you know if you that if you save XX thousands per month and repeat it, you’ll get there automatically.

Now label the fourth circle “My Day”. This is what you need to save today and could repeat every day, in order for it to be a successful month (It’s probably a much smaller number that you would imagine.)

You would need to read the book to get the proper description (and more inspirationally than I can put it over) but you get the idea.

It’s a process of goal setting but by spending 4 minutes a day reviewing this, you will keep your focus on your goals.

I have realised, for one of my lifelong dreams, ‘To be doing inspirational things everyday which will earn me $40,000 per year”, all I need to do is one inspired thing per day. Example, read an uplifting book or rss feed or listen to some great tunes.

From now on, my focus is to do one small inspirational thing per day, one medium sized one per month and one big one per year and I will actually be living an inspired life!!! Hold on, I thought an inspirational life was something I should aspire to. A life is a series of days so, no, I can actually do it right now!

100 Ways To Motivate Yourself: Change Your Life Forever has so many novel ideas for keep your spirit aloft, I love it.

Change of blog title

For Sue

I have just been reading Pamela Stephenson’s biography on Billy Connolly.

His early life in subtle ways  reminded me of mine. It also reminded me of how much of what I do now really is just shadow play, playing with what I think I can do, rather than what I really can do.

I think in some ways, what I am doing now is a form of re-birth, a form of going back to what I perhaps should have been doing about the age of 17, testing, trying, doing small jobs to figure out who I am. Perhaps it is also a taking time to accept who I am and to understand some of my more obscure thoughts and beliefs.

At any rate, I believe I know who I am inside, but seeing through my thoughts is like coming down from a morning watch in a ships crows nest – seeing the deck, foggy below and needing to scale the complex rigging in order to get to the ground. Scary – but ultimately rewarding.

‘Dancing around the edges‘.

Is all this western freedom of choice a good thing?

Wooden Hope

An article in the English Sunday Telegraph magazine recently, talked about a famous film and the deeper nature of its story related to todays society. This paragraph hit me as perhaps one of the reasons many people feel frustrated with their lives.

“The key to the appeal…is the way it addresses the fundamental anxieties in American culture. ‘ What the story speaks to is mastering a sense of inadequacy that’s built into the American system. In other words: you’re free to become who you want. Which is terrifying, because you have no support. This sense of can I make it, am I good enough, do I have the right stuff? [the film] is a little capitalist bliss, everything’s perfect, shiny, grand. And I think it speaks about the longing and the feeling – the hope – that we’re all right inside ourselves and can reach that.’ “

The number one key to success…

Photo by: Mel

What disappeared as you grew up? What happened to this as you started to listen to other people’s opinions of you? What went as society started to tell you what you should be doing with your life?

Your imagination!

Einstein said :
“Imagination is more important that knowledge.”

Einstein said that?!

One would have thought Einstein would value things the other way around. But this is from a man who worked at a patent office in order for his mind to imagine the different answers to his questions.

I have admired from afar those who knew what they wanted their life to be like when they grew up. History shows us that many of them were born into adverse circumstances and many had early experience of positive role models, people who inspired them. These people’s role models or circumstances drove them to be more than they were so they effectively imagined their way out of a situation.

“If you can dream it, you can do it.”
-Walt Disney

Inspiration is akin to dreams, the drive (that many of us receive only in brief moments) to DO, the drive to BE. The motivation to improve, to discover, to grow.

This is powerful stuff!

I have spent years looking for the knowledge that would allow me to find the job that I love to do, only to realise that the happiness I seek isn’t outside but within.

But how do I do this, how do I dream my future Andy?

For now, try this.

As you go to sleep at night try to get a picture in your mind of what you would like part of your life to be like. If you can’t picture your home life then try your work life, if you can’t picture your work life then picture what car you would like. Pick the easiest thing to dream about. However small this dream is, it’s a start and you can build on it.

Try that and let me know how you feel inside when you do!

Imagination is more important than knowledge for knowledge is limited to all we now know… Albert Einstein

What if I didn’t own a car?

1994 1.6cl Excellent condition, 99,200 miles

If you didn’t own a car would you feel like a social outcast? Somewhat different from the rest of society?

I am preparing my car for sale, contemplating what it will feel like to be without one for the first time in 15 years. I am, on one hand, looking forward to it and on the other scared.

I suppose I am scared because the car to me is a method of obtaining a slice of personal freedom, or holding some control over my course in life. Not having one might mean I feel cooped up, or have to resort to the sheep like mode of transport that is public.

As with many things in my life, what I believe to be true is actually completely the opposite (thank goodness!) so in reality it will probably mean I will feel free-er than ever and might even improve my fitness levels (bike and walk being the new modes of transport).

Anyway, I secretly enjoy being different to most people. So if you see a cyclist speeding past you in a queue. Only to find him arrive at work at exactly the same time as you (whilst you have been sitting in the normal Monday traffic jam), be assured he is smiling as he locks it to the stand, safe in the knowledge he is not one of the crowd.

More thoughts on jobs me and money

Why do i find it easier to work for no money than for money. Its like doing it for free makes it more rewarding?

Is it because i feel i am giving of myself benevolently is it that accepting money makes me feel like a prostitute?

I want to feel good when I work, I want to feel that work values my principles, can i get this while earning money as well? Perhaps the issue of earning money butts up against my freedom issue. By giving me money does it make me feel people are tying me in, are they saying here is what you need to live and of you don’t do this, you won’t get it.

Is money then like an addictive drug, as soon as i see it in return for my work i feel enslaved by it. Do I fear not getting it and then get resent ‘they’ are making me feel like this?

A conversation begins in my head between a older man, a stranger, and a young boy….

Would you like some candy little boy..go on, do something I want you to do and i will give you some.

Wow, is that the way i feel about working for money, like a dirt old man is trying with a lure to get me to do something I don’t want to do.

Another imaginary conversation between a employer and an employee….
“yes, this job pays £16,000 a year and your responsibilities are outlined below”
AKA
‘You had better work or you don’t get the money’

Kind’ve like overbearing parents using guilt to get their kids to do something…a method which I hate and have always rebelled against.

So I go after all these ideas of work I would love to do and get caught up in these internal rebellions because I don’t feel comfortable accepting money for what I do!!?

I want to feel like I have helped someone, how can I do this when I am accepting something in return? The playing field becomes level and I want it to be unbalanced with me at the top having given something to someone.

Ahh, so perhaps its an ego thing. Makes me feel good to give something to someone makes me better than them? By giving me money it means I am not better than them, I am actually the same as every one else and this hurts my fragile ego.

And then my thoughts get on to….
“So if I am going to receive money then I better receive a lot of it because I am worth it goddammit, £5/hour is way below what I deserve”.

Oooh, so we’re coming to the kernel of the issue. It may all be based around my need to feel superior to people (no payment) and issue of not feeling highly valued enough when I am paid, if paid poorly.

What a binding situation, no wonder I have job issues!!!

There is another more positive less reproachful way of looking at it…..perhaps I am just someone who doesn ‘t quite get this whole working for money thing.

Meh! Perhaps I am not born for the capitalist lifestyle, perhaps i would rather work for the greater good than work for myself. Perhaps deep down I know that this isn’t what life’s about.

Perhaps I should go live with the Amazonian tribesmen who trade goods and do things for their community with nothing needed in return. Their houses are made by people who do the same their food is cooked likewise, everyone helps each other.

So is there a resolution to this. Yup, find something I love to do so much that I don’t care how much they pay me. Then the fact I love it will shine through, I will eventually start to earn more money as I am valued more.

So pretty much the same as everyone else then

The trouble with jobs…

Poem – Where is this all going?

 

Full of Fear

 

Full of fear
I walk towards the light.
Full of fear I seek the truth,
Full of hope I join the fray
Full of wonder I ask for my best
to help myself to pass the test.

 

Here I go, a journey of smiles,
I will need support to last the miles.
Perhaps it will come in the form of desire
longing to pull me from the mire.
From the mire of fear and self deceipt,
I want to stay here,
I won’t be leaving with a blank receipt.

 

Full of fear I ask for the choice.
Full of hope I seek my future.
Full of praise for the natural tutor.
Full of wonder I ask for my best.
Full of praise I stand up to this life, the test.

Baby Steps

Hi, my name is Mark and I am but still young…

Right now I am doing something I don’t have a name for buy grown-ups call it crawling. Apparently in a little while I am expected to do something call walking. I don’t exactly know what that is but it involves using my feet but not my hands. It’s a very strange idea, can’t think of why I should want to do that, this seems perfectly adequate.

Sometime later: Its a few weeks after my last posting and I am getting deep urges to do this two legged thing. Yesterday I gave it a go and fell over straight away, but that’s ok. I shook myself off, it was a shock hitting the ground but I will give it another crack tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Well I gave it a go today but still haven’t cracked it yet. Again tried to just use my feet but fell over once more, will try again tomorrow.

The next day: Ok, so here we are again, I tried it once more today and still no luck, I will be better tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Determined to crack this 2 feet-no hands thing and I realised that by finding support I could hold myself in a kind of 2 feet position, even if I couldn’t do it fully. Wanted to stay there but got tired and fell down. It’s looking good. I will rest a few days and try again next week.

Next week: Well well! I held myself up on 2 feet for longer than before, with the support of my trusty teddy (he’s very big). But what do I do now? Perhaps if I keep doing this I will get there (and at least this is better than where I was last week, I couldn’t even do it then).

The week after: Took one hand off teddy today, fell back down. Well chuffed. Next day: Took both hands off teddy today, many claps from my grown-ups, it made me feel good and I want to do it for longer next time.

Next time: Now I am getting kisses and hugs from my grown-ups…..I did the two feet thing and raised my hands in the air!

Now: I can stand and, ok, it isn’t for a long time before I need my grown-ups to catch me, but they are pleased and that’s good enough for me. Will crack it soon.

End of Diary Entry for Mark, a 35 year old lawyer who dreams of being a singer.

At the Chiropractors

I was at the chiropractors today…long story…and got chatting to the receptionist. Said that I was looking for a job and she mentioned there was a receptionists role going there.

It would be a lovely job, great people, nice environment, but it wouldn’t pay the money I need to live.

Then I had this light-bulb moment which nutshelled all the thoughts i have had about jobs over the last few years.

Culminating in two camps. It was like a clearing of the waves in my mind……

1 > I would love to work there, but i would get frustrated that i wasn’t able to do anything as I would have no money.

2> working in a business environment would give me the money I need to have a life outside work but it would frustrate me as I would feel constrained by the office environment and hierarchy.

So either I have one, or the other.

[Never think that a period in between work is dead time, on the contrary it is a time to reflect and consider your life.]
Both?

A couple of philosophical questions popped up….
1) How can I have both?
2) Would I work at the Chiropractors if they paid me £20000 a year?

Firstly …2)
Yes i believe I would. I would get bored after a while but it would be a lovely place to work.

Secondly..1)
So how can I have a lovely work environment and earn decent money?
Working for someone else I would need to work my way up an organisation so I could feel I had some measure of responsibility and independence, or, work for myself.

Snow and Rock

Similar thoughts occurred when I was thinking about the Boot Fitting job at Snow and Rock. In that I would really like to do the job but only if it paid more.

I would need something else to do in the evenings to relieve that frustration at being ordered around and anything I want to do requires money. Then I get frustrated about not having money. Then i get frustrated about the job not paying enough money and frustrated from not being able to release myself from the frustration of working for someone else.

Seeing a Careers Counsellor

I went to see a careers counsellor, wow I am so conceited sometimes. I really thought that she wouldn’t tell me anything that I could trust. How could ‘they’ know how I feel about work?

We talked for a while I mentioned a few things I liked and she mentioned the idea of a Tour Guide. Not just any tour guide..and adventure tour guide.

This would certainly fulfil alot of my needs, but what about the money?

She brought up an interesting concept. Faith. She told me to have faith. Choosing something that I would be happy doing will lead to good things.

I mentioned the money situation and she talked about having to go backwards to go forwards. Again, she is so right, “but” I asked “where will it go”.
“Faith” she said.

Where now?

As my previous entry stated I will be going back into IT. Primarily to earn money. It’s the lesser of two evils right now

The biggest mistake we could ever make in our lives is to think
we work for anybody but ourselves. ~ Brian Tracy

Selfish Behaviour?

That’s it, working for other people officially sucks.

I have decided to do something for myself for a change.

My jobs over the recent past have been focused on trying to get a balance between helping others and helping myself at the same time (a typical Virgo issue). Or a balance between what I think others think I should do and what I want to do (I wrote that sentence and still had to read it twice to make sense of it!).

Anyway, as yet, life isn’t quite how I want it. So now its all about me.

“It’s a strange thing about life, if you ask for it, you will usually get it. What are you asking for?” ~ unknown

Stuff working for others i want to work for myself, be self directed.

I have tried to find something I can enjoy and which will give me a lifestyle want and I have found many things which were close, but not quite the cigar I was looking for.

It doesn’t help that if someone said to me
“So Andrew, what lifestyle DO you want?”.
I would probably have a million answers.
Hence why I don’t trust what anybody else advises me to do, their advice can’t take into account my ever changing moods, need, wants and desires.

Thinking about it for a mo’ I guess then my answer to the question would be..

“I want life to be a constantly changing experience, one which is different day by day”

..which is really what I AM already doing.

“The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit.”

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

Anyway, back to work…Work i do during the day for someone else is just to fill in time whilst i develop the other things i enjoy. Day-work for others it is the stuff i do to earn the money i require to live and eat whilst my brain ticks over the other options constantly making plans and inventing ideas.

So, if some bloke wants to pay me good money to sit on a helpdesk and answer phone calls in order that I can a) Paraglide b)Ski c) start my on business d) play guitar etc. then great.

For now, I have decided to go back into IT. I will probably earn about £16,000 as an IT helpdesk bloke, with no particular aspirations to go further than that. But is the absolute minimum I need to live in this country. Then I can go about ordering my life around the pursuit of happiness.

[Edit: I actually didn't go back into I.T. , I followed my heart and went to work in a Ski shop!  Andy, 2009]

Its what the last 6 years have been about really, finding out what makes me happy.

Back then I may have thought that work alone was meant to make me happy…(and I still am on the pursuit of work which does)…but now have a more balanced view. So I am now going after things outside work which make me happy and lets see if any kind of work comes out of that.

What Work?
—————–
For work to make me happy I need to do something which is personally meaningful, which is a self-directed force, an outpouring of my creative ambition, something which is an expression of me. I can put my heart and soul into it, I can focus and give my full self to in the belief that it is where I was meant to be.

“Seek out that particular mental attitude which makes
you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which
comes the inner voice which says, “This is the real me,”
and when you have found that attitude, follow it.”
~ W James.

And people, remember…

“The biggest mistake we could ever make in our lives is to think we work for anybody but ourselves“. ~ Brian Tracy

Thanks for listening.

Andy

5:30am

It’s early, real early. I’ve woken up and can’t get to sleep again. Hoards of thoughts and ideas are going through my mind – about people, jobs, situations but more than that, about possibilities.
Then it strikes me, my life has always been about these possibilities. It’s been like that since I was 10 seconds old. Every day I want something new, every time I go out in the evening, every time I meet people, everywhere I go something has to be different. It’s like I crave the ever changing nature of life.
I know I could ever go to a class and be happy doing it every Tuesday at 7:30pm. I don’t think I would ever be content meeting the same people at the same pub at the same time every week regularly, I would get bored.
This anti-neutrality of situation pervades all aspects of my life. You will have noticed it most with my job situation. Or should I say situations.
Change, constant change, variation, lack of sameness, rotation, movement, vibration. All is good.

If the most torturous fate
was a mind, caged,
who would understand?

If you always found life’s elixir
in striving rather than getting,
who would understand?

If you gambled rather than nest-egged
and hit jackopt once of seven,
who would understand?

(from 'The nudist on the late shift' by Po Bronson)

Back at school :)

(me, in February, chilling as a teacher)

I have been working back at Filton College for 2 weeks now. Previously I worked there as a teacher, 4 months, covering maternity leave. It was a powerful and enjoyable time and I learned many things about myself, what I was capable of, and what I was not.

I badgered a few people before left about working there next academic year and after waiting for a month they offered me some working interviewing students for this year’s intake.

I really enjoy being there, its a relaxed unpressured place with lovely people.

After work today (10am-4pm, bliss!) i went back to staff room where I spent my days from February to June. I hadn’t returned there since leaving 2 months ago.

It was weird. it felt like I was looking at my old desk through someone else’s eyes, like it hadn’t been me teaching there.

Perhaps it had been me, but a different me. An old me, one from a different time.

I can liken the feeling to if you were to return to your junior school, 20 years later. Everything might be the same as you remember it, but it would feel different, like a different life.

I became wistful about the teaching roll, remembering the camaraderie in the staff room, the friendships forged in battles against time and necessity and the relief at having achieved a tall task. But at the same time knowing that no matter how much I missed them, that role wasn’t me, it wasn’t where my true skills lie, close, but no cigar.

Now I am back there I am scouring the college subversively to find a job, any job, which will keep me there. I have my foot in the door and want to get my leg through the crack.

Keep well.

Andy

Ghosts and realities – shame and criticisms from my past and how they affect my future

Dear teachers, early influencers,
and those from my school days,

This goes out to you all. All of you who criticised my actions, laughed at what I was saying, smirked behind my back at the true expressions of myself and those of you who shouted “How dare you?” when I did not understand the consequences of my actions.

You may ask “What did I do wrong?” and I am here to tell you.

You locked away my own truth, you pushed the true me and the actions by which I express myself into a dark corner. You did this both emotionally, with your sarcastic ego trips and physically when you sent me for punishment.

Every time you did this (I don’t know if you noticed this or not) I took it in. I drank your criticism like it was water laced with poison, and then shrunk away like a scolded puppy.

Over time, these retributions for my supposed ‘transgressions’, built walls between ‘me’ and the outward expression of myself. And they now impose a limit on what I am willing to express of myself. They have shamed me into conforming to your rules.

I feel what I now know as shame whenever I express myself. So early in a creative process does this shame kick in. that in many instances I never even get to the first stage of any activity I do. I prefer to hide my dreams away believing somehow that they are pointless or wrong.

I am extremely proud of those things I have achieved those times I have fully seen a project through. More often than not though I have been forced to by other people and criticised because of my actions.

For example:

Under duress I wrote a play for my ‘house’ play competition while at school. This was forced upon me by you emotional bullies who wanted nothing to do with it. From time to time you would come into my room, look at and then criticise what I had written. I remember thinking (note the ironic turn of phrase) “How dare you put down my work when you are just sitting there on your backsides doing nothing but pretending you are more important than me.”

The play really was a painful birth. However, when it was shown it turned out my writing had perfectly captured the attitudes of those emotional bullies playing it and the audience loved it. I will remember for the rest of my life the person (a peer) who came up to me at the end to tell me he thought it was a great play. I will also remember sitting in the gallery watching my peers fall about laughing to what I had written. (I should add that it only last 10 minutes until it was thrown off for “…not being in the spirit of the house play competition”!).

One further example was my ski trip to Canada where I know a number of you [whether ghosts in my memories or people around at the time] were criticising my actions believing it wasn’t going to lead anywhere, it wasn’t going to lead to a ‘proper job’ or ‘it’s just another one of Andy’s dreams’. Well people, it gave me more than a ‘proper job’ could ever have done. It gave me hope, courage, discipline, insight, strength of character and faith in my own abilities. So screw you.

Here we are folks in 2007 and those ghosts and realities have been affecting me all this time. However I forgive you. And I forgive that part of me taking on board what you were saying. You were not doing it intentionally; you may even have been doing it because you believed you were helping.

If you fall into this category and are feeling criticised by all this I would ask you do one thing. Recognise when you are criticising someone else using your beliefs on how the world should be. Recognise that everyone has their own way of doing things which isn’t necessarily wrong. More importantly recognise when you are shooting him or her down for doing their own thing. Then apologise if possible and make a mental not to catch yourself earlier next time.

That’s it. Thanks for reading. I am off down to the framers to get my ‘school play’ poster posthumously mounted and put up in its proper place, on my wall.

Pete Doherty

As kids we remove ourselves from the world by immersing ourselves in animated movies, kids play (cowboys and indians and the like) basically removing ourselves from a life that is full of nothing, boredom and self reflection.

What make us believe that as adults we are any different?

As adults we have used up all the simple forms of distraction, used them up and thrown them away.
So we naturally move to activities which are more involving. That and the fact we have much more in our lives to get frustrated about, drives us to them.

Most people’s are nights out with friends – drinking and movies , parties and restaurants.
For people who still feel that is boring for people who dont feel they fit in, or don’t WANT to fit in with what everyone else is doing (and I class myself in this category)….what do they do?

Drugs is one. Watching pete tonight in his documentary was like seeing an old friend. one who is so connected somewhere else , being here is so confusing and painful.

Finding something to remove you from all that is like returning to a spiritual home. Your home, an internal sense of freedom, of ease, of contentment, of peace.

To everyone else you look messed up but that’s what you show to the world, inside you are quiet and humble, hopeful and placated – rested.

Coming to, hurts and reminds. Coming to makes you want to go back ‘home’.

Being ‘away’ releases the unusual – the free, the spirit. Everyone else is repressed but you. Everyone else was grey, a straight line, normal- the same – elsewhere.

You were special – unique, within yourself – whole and happy.

To everyone else you look messed up, inside you are you.

The dichotomy kills – needing to be outside but wanting to go home.

Be you pete.

Who are your earliest influenc-ers?

I dont remember too many happy times at school. Now thats not to say that it was a solely unhappy part of my life and perhaps i only remember the frustrated hard times but when your teachers hit you for doing something you didnt realise was an innapropriate thing to do, it’s going to confuse things a bit.

These days I read books that tell you the parents are the cause of your adult issues, i read books that tell you that you chose the parents you were born to, before you were born (now WHO’s fault is that again? ) but lets think about this, has anyone thought about teachers?

Teachers man, they have potential to change you, to build you up or break you. You spend the first 5 years of your life being told what not to do, how to act and how not to, by your parents. And the rest of your 18 years before you leave school, half your day is split with the teachers half with the parents. For the sake of me trying to convince you that i’m right, ignore holidays. Thats 13 of your most important years you spent half the time with teachers. Thus implying that teachers have an equal effect on your upbringing as your parents!

I wasn’t exactly a model child when young. The phrases i remember teachers saying to me the most was “How DARE you do that..” and when i said sorry “I should think so too…” OOOOH that made my blood boil, i dont like apologising to this day. I knew even then that they were insecure power needing idiots. I guess there were nice teachers, but i dont remember them like that. I do remember being quite bored at school, sitting down all the time, listening to stories and writing, i guess i must’ve done these ‘bad’ things to keep it interesting for me. So much so that the headmaster’s/mistress’ office became a second home.

Listening to myself at work I can still see that little guy coming out. Working with kids all day means i can have fun and not sit down in an office (aka school) having people tell me what to do and i can be sarchastic to adults just to get them to smile for the camera, thus taking out my with-adult childhood frustrations vicariously on them. This tells me alot about why i am doing this job

Teachers…….already i’m done for, and we havent even touched on school friends…..!

‘Making’ the perfect job

The other week i was thinking, that I have been searching for a perfect job for 5 years now…..

and then it struck me,

What if it’s about making the perfect job?

A light went on inside my head (and i resolved to write this down – you are reading the results of this).

Searching for my perfect job, searching for my perfect job, searching. Am i relying on other’s versions of a job, others who value money over the happyness of an employee in a role? Am i really ever going to be happy with someone elses definition of a job.

- ‘Searching’ suggests that something is missing

- ‘Searching’ is a word coming from a sense of lack – of moving – looking for a better place than i am at right now

- ‘Searching’, searching for a role someone else defines for you.

Wouldn’t I rather work for something I define?

Life Coach’ed’ experiences

Been doing the life coaching for 3 weeks now. [one session every week]

The best thing i have found happen is that every week i feel motivated to look a little further into things i want to do, rather than saying to myself, nahh, i will think about that/write this stuff down another day, i now no longer have the choice.

So if you want to make a change and are interested in yourself, its all very interesting.

He/she will probably start by getting you to do some exercises/homework by asking you to make list of things that e.g. you like doing, people you like being around. All of which can help remind you of who you are…stuff which you might have ‘forgotten’ or buried along the way.

The next thing on my best things about coaching list it it gives you a mirror to lookat yourself in, the coach is the mirror reflecting who you are by asking questions which get you to question yourself and your logic.

“So this is what you want to do, xxxxxxx”
(she will put it across in a different way than you did to her)
and you will say
“hey i didn’t see it like that”

and

“no hey, good point, i dont really want to do that”
or “wow yeah, i want it even more”

The last two weeks i have been quite down on myself and not really wanted to go…i was confused about the stuff i was saying and what i really wanted. I called the coach and told him this and he said, “well, lets talk about that then”…oh yeah! Went along and had a good session.

I have finally realised that i don’t actually want a ‘career’. And I have become much more calm over the last few weeks about my job because i have finally realised what i want work-wise isn’t going to happen with some authority figure telling me what to do. It was my coach who said he saw this in me. I kind of knew this but had no trust in this feeling until he to pointed this out. I consider the stuff i do in my spare time more important now.

To summise all this. If you need someone to

a) bounce ideas off
b) lead you to finding xxxxx (whatever it is you want to find)
c) be a personal cheerleader in your quest

Then life coaching could be for you.

Wise and childish

Sometimes i feel like a wise person directing a child. I am a person who knows much, but fears much also. During these wise times, I direct myself with calmness and order. Then normal life resumes and i behave differently, behave as if programmed.

When i feel wise i feel enlightened and I have felt this many times in my life. They have occured sitting on mountaintops, watching films which touch me, in quiet meditatation or yoga sessions and when i am in touch with my true nature. That is to say when i am calm relaxed and listening to my feelings. People and situations intrude upon this inner stillness.

This stillness is one of my most treasured possesions and one of the things i most admire in myself for having found.

You know the moments in your life you will never forget? Some of mine are described above. What are they for you?
They maybe at a time when you have gained an insight, felt an emotion, done something special, done something which you never thought you could; achieved. Mine are attached with a visual memory of that moment. But they all come down to one thing, an emotional experience. Tending to be the emotion of honor, of love, of respect, of friendship.

To find this you need to be alone, alone with yourself, feel detached from ‘normal’ life, away from the mass of people. Go up a mountain, head into a canyon, watch films which teach you emotion, surf, lie on a secluded beach and watch the sky.

The child is what this life is developing, your inner child, your scared, troubled inned child.
Enlightenment and insight are your wise person.

I am just existing

I dont feel that i am doing anything.

What is the difference between me lying here in bed in the dark and me lying in a bed in a dark hotel room in fiji. Not much.

What is the difference between me getting up and lying on the beach, to getting up and taking photos of people in the studio. In both i dont feel i am doing anything of value……so what am i doing……..nothing.

Lying on the beach in Malaysia a couple of years ago, i was getting antsy. I wanted to DO something. To affect something i guess.

Living in my uncles house, taking photographs by day in a studio. I’m not doing anything, this is an excuse for a life. A face to show to everyone else that i am doing something…SOMETHING.

Meanwhile i am looking book and consulting people to find that ‘thing’ that i want to do. What is this magic thing. I am coming to believe that there is no one thing which will fulfill me.

I have to express my natural self, use my talents and abilities in a way which fulfils me. I experience this not just in the doing of, but in the outcome and the opinions thereafter.

I need it to come from me. Not directed by others.

This interestingly and unintentionally ties in with what a psychic said to me a year ago. She said she felt i was waiting for something. This is what i feel. The life i want, the expression of me is out there……and in here…….but where?

PS
———————–
Has everything i have done since 2001 has been a cover, an excuse for money?

Am i lazy or just lack motivation for the real thing which will help me feel fulfilled?

Do i need to go to bed now………..yuhuh!

Nightnight

What is ‘purpose’…my written thought process

What is my ‘purpose’ – do i feel it to be some god sent purpose for being here? One that i feel fulfilled by. Do i need a purpose? Is it helpful? What does “my purpose” mean to me? It means doing something I am meant to do. ‘Meant’ to do, ‘meant’ . Meant by who, by me, by a higher being?

I think my purpose is to feel fulfilled, firstly., fulfillment from what i am doing/being.
I think i have had that feeling when i mentored people at Yell and when i started working at Ashley Down primary school. So can i have that fulfillment from other things too? Ie. what is the feeling i have playing guitar it’s happyness – contentment – relaxation. Its not the same, could it be as powerful a driving force. What is the difference between that and what i got from mentoring the boy at Ashley Down…..hmmmmm.

Taking peoples photos can be fun and emotionally fulfilling when i get a positive response from a child. But only at those times is it emotionally fulfilling, fun though. Emotionally fulfilling is giving people confidence, making them feel better. Is this my purpose or a need of mine? When talking to my personal coach I felt a warmth towards doing something I am good at which expresses myself to others. Guitar/Songwriting/Singing perhaps.

I want to explore the counseller/therapist route but cannot do this while working at the photography studio due to time constraints. So i must leave this job.

So while i explore the whole guitar/counselling volunteer thing as after work activities I can do work involving giving people more confidence, Mentoring/Coaching in a low tech role during the day, perhaps in a call centre as it is easy to get into .

So looking at all this, if I am meant to have a ‘purpose’ it is to be fulfilled by what i do. If I were to take it further it would to help people feel better, increase their confidence and mood, by my actions. Can I get this only by mentoring/coaching or playing on stage infront of people also….is it as powerful?

By thinking of my purpose as a necessary thing to do I put pressure on myself which creates resistance. Action/Reaction?

Focus on my next role, my fulfillment.

Actions
————————————————————-
Volunteering at Bristol Childrens Hospital = fun
Volunteering at Relate for example = fulfillment and insight
Work at call center as mentor = fulfillment and money
Explore coaching as part time work = fulfillment
Organise singing lessons, near future = possibilities
Contact singing friend re music session = overcoming fear CHECK!

Life from another viewpoint

Its so interesting, seeing my life from anothers viewpoint. Especially when it is a good friend who is a trainee psychologist/counsellor (you can still do it M, volunteer! )

I took a fresh look at my life from what she said and realised some interesting truths. I AM hiding away somewhat, i am scared and hold that fear inside. Scared of what people say about me, scared of what others think. No it may not seem like it but it’s there. I want SO much but am not going for it. I want to go the US but dont want to go there just to do crappy 5 pound and hours jobs. I came back from canada with the ideal of finding a job/work/career that inspires me, something i could go to Canada (/West Coast US) WITH. I came back wanting to find myself in this country, close to family and friends. I want to restart this journey.

Is this a good way to do it do you think? Might i just as well find some way to get out to the US and do what i am doing here, over there. The culture is so much more agreeable to me out there, here the british reserve affects me and i hold myself in, away from the world. Perhaps i would be better off over there?

So i have started to see a personal coach and have just got in contact with a psychotherapist to help myself see past these issues and give me a leg up no creating a life i enjoy and feel part of.

Doing my nut in and re-ignighting old friendships

AAhh. I keep waking up at 430am, my head buzzing with ideas about my life and work.
Do i want to be a journalist, a careers advisor, a dietician, a life coach, a landscape architect.

I am visiting a life coach at the moment to help sort this madness out.
I figure that having someone else help me sort through my thoughts will focus and motivate me.

The photography job is going ok, will be leaving at the end of june for something different.

I have just got in contact again with a friend of mine from Canada. She is an ex-brit who moved over there a few years ago. I met her when I was ski instructing in 2003/4

Good to catch up again andrea!

Food Cravings (work in progress)

In my experience food cravings can occur for a number of reasons and people are led to consume pretty particular foodstuffs.

Food wanted

————

Those foodstuffs tend to be Sugar, Wheat, Chocolate, Alcohol and this is by no means an exhaustive list.

(notice that none of these are really healthy foods….does anyone you know crave salad?)

The Culprits of cravings

———————-

dietry imbalance

spiritual un-fulfillment

emotional unease

creative repression

How?

—–

I will be dealing here with the last two on the list: Creative repression and Emotional Unease

We all have an energy flowing through us, when we are happy and life is effortless all is good, but as soon as we try to stop something happening due to fear (our own personal expansion, some work we need to do or creating something like art or writing) we can experience a nervous, out of control feeling. We want to shut down the strong flow of energy and instead of being fearful regain control. For some people food is a way to block this feeling.

Eating sugar or fats and certian carbohydrates may leave them feeling dulled, hung over, unable to focus – blurry. They use food to block energy and change. As the nervy feeling comes over them that they are going too fast and into who knows what, they reach for fo0d. A big bowl of ice cream, an evening of junk food and their system clogs; What was i thinking? What….oh nevermind….

The mmoment a creative, fearful or challenging thought raises its head it is lopped off by the craving…this blocks fear and prevents risk.

So which is your block?

———————-

Line up the possibilities.. Which one makes you angry to ever think about giving up? ……………………………..Well?

That explosive one is the one that has caused you the most derailment. Examine it…….

Is it sabotaging your growth?

Ask yourself this question also…Am i eating/drinking this to numb the worry of my inner emptyness?

What do you do to help?

———————–

Recognise what is happening within you before the cravings strike.

1) Begin to notice what you are thinking and where you were going (metorapholically) before you got that feeling of needing that foodstuff? Was it that you began to worry (in the tinyest of ways) about for example: University, the painting you need to complete, the friend you need to phone, your meeting new people tonight perhaps you are worried about going out in a large group of people in a loud environment that evening and satisfying your craving helps to numb that pain?

Take note: More than likely the thought that creates this cravnig is deelpy buried and may take sometime to come into your concious…keep noticing in what situation the craving arrives, you will find an answer.

2) Emotional. What are you feeling before the craving takes hold?

DIfferent foodstuffs will repress different emotional states (**)

Is there a trend?

For example, before you get a cravging for sugar, do you feel a sense of emptyness or fear. Perhaps before you crave chocolate you have a sense of being blocked, not being able to do what you feel you have to, anger, not knowing what to do to get over that?

Satisfying the craving lets all that subside.

Take mental or actual notes of all of this to see if there are trends.

Then Realise that this is happening and Understand that YOU are creating all this, noone else.

References

The Artist Way, Julia Cameron.

Food and healing, Annemarie Colbin.

"Dad, I’m a wimp"

A young son says to his dad, “Dad i am a wimp”.

The father looks at him with loving, knowing eyes and says,

“Son you’re not a wimp”

“But i am daddy, all the boys at school tell me so ‘cos i don’t join in all their games.”

“Son”, the father says, “you’re not a wimp, you just havent found your strength yet. I can see it, i can see you are a strong and powerfull man, you just havent seen it yet” and he smiles.

“But dad, all the other boys are so strong and tough, i want what they have”.

“You know, you have something very important that they DONT have”.

“Whats that”

“Inner strength, love and compassion”.

“Eh?”

“If someone’s hurt would you go and help?”

“Yes”

“Do you think they would….let me answere this…..maybe, maybe not. Right? What you have is more important, you just haven’t seen it yet”.

“What do you mean dad, when you say that you haven’t ’seen’ it yet?”

The father replies in kind, knowing that a straight answer would’nt let his son truly learn this lesson. “What do you think life would be like if we were made perfect?” he says.

“Great! we would all be friends. we would be able to do anything we wanted”.

“Nice thought, but, that way life would be so boring. it would be terrible. All shopping at the same stores, buying the same clothes because we all know what we look good in, all eating the same food, because we know exactly what we need, all driving the same cars. Alll playing the same computer games, always the same one because it would be perfect…”

“hmm..”

“If we’re not all the same, not all perfect, it’s is so much more interesting and fun”.

“Why?”

“This way we get to find out things, to discover, explore ourselves, feel great when we do something we never thought we could, be better than we are now. Improve, invent, help, encourage, grow, expand…”

“All right dad! I’m still not sure wht you mean though?”

“Well imagine if Johhny, your best friend, were to fall down and hurt himself, what would you do?”

“I’d help him”.

“After you’d helped him, did you feel happy that you could help”.

“not sure…”

“Ok, look at it the other way. If he fell down and hurt himself, and you weren’t able to get to him to help and you could see he was hurting, would you feel sad?”

“Yes, very”.

“So SUDDENLY you were able to help him, and you did, what would you feel”.

“Great, thankful, good”.

“Exactly. If were were all perfect we could help ourselves, and we would never need to halp anyone else…we would never be able to feel that great feeling of being able to help someone. That’s just one example son” the dad pauses “Are you getting what i mean?”

“Hmm, kind’ve”.

“When you look at some movie stars on the tv going to one of their films, what do you think of them?”

“Well they look like they are having a good time”.

“Yes, they do don’t they. Do you KNOW they are having a good time”.

“Yeah, they are smiling holding hands maybe, chatting, looking happy”.

“Yep, looking happy, but inside, in here..” the father puts his hand to his chest, “..are they?

“Don’t know dad”.

“Uhhuh”.

“What are you trying to say Dad?”

“That they are in exactly the same situation as you, but a little bit older…….They may look like they are happy, people are talking about them everywhere and they are successful and rich maybe, but what’s that got to do with it, if they are not happy…..they are just like you”.

The father continues..

“What i am trying to say is that you are no better, or worse than anybody else. Just different.

So whenever you see those boys in the playground, realise that you are not like THEM, you are YOU and YOU are brilliant at being whoever YOU are. If you were like them , you would have to learn to be brilliant, like my son over there, standing on the sidelines looking and not joining in because he knows that’s not what he wants to do. Learn about your brilliance and you will be happier and shine more than any of them”.

“Ok dad.”

“Anytime”.

Does my personality suck?

Someone close to me asked…does my personality suck?

Here’s what i said…..i hope it is a help to someone.

*****

Unfortunately the hardest way but definately the best way, is to work out for yourself if your personality sucks. For example, everytime someone laughs at your jokes or smiles at something you say: take note, remember that means your personality is great.

BUT remember though that everytime it looks like

a) someone doesnt want to talk to you

b) they ask if they can speak to you later

c) don’t smile at your jokes

d) they are horrible to you

It doesn’t mean that they think your personality sucks, their thoughts are just somewhere else. They may be angry at themselves or a situation they are in and they take it out on you, however that has nothing to do with the way they think about you. In fact it has nothing to do with you full stop. What they are thinking about you, about life, about their neighbours cat is their business. It’s nothing you can change anyhow, so why bother worrying over it??

Remember…we always hurt worst, the ones we love .

*****