The shot down

29 05 2006

24 hours later he was walking alone down a dark alleyway, the shadows at his back as the sun set in front of him. His shape slunk past dustcarts and homeless people sheltering inside them.

Ignoring the pains of hunger he felt in his belly he reached inside his coat pocket for a chewing gum.

Thoughtfully chewing in it, his jaw lifting up and down occupied his brain which allowed him brainstorm ideas.

“What if she was alone” he wondered, “then she wouldn’t have been able to cross to the window…and if she couldn’t cross to the window, what was she doing lying there?”.

The sound of screeching tyres distracted him for a moment and his eyes watched a black saloon speed past the alley entrance, followed swiftly by a police car, it’s siren preceeding it.

It was tiring, the work he did. Never getting much sleep, always thinking about the job. Who did this, what did that. It frustrated him and fulfilled him at the same time. His friends knew it didn’t suit him but he never complained about it.

—–

24 hours ago he had been at the murder scene. A disabled girl in a 4th floor flat lying sprawled, fully clothed, underneath her open window. Looked like she had broken her neck on the radiator underneath the opening.

Her head was halfway up the radiator still, clinging on to what little life she had left in her as she died, her chin still wedged between the pipes, the green paint speckled her teeth, broken in the fall.

He left the flashes of the forensic assistant’s camera behind and walked out of the appartment. Seen enough..his subordinates would handle the details.

The apppartment’s kitchen was just by the front door and it was out of here a uniformed officer had appeared stopping the lieutenant before he had chance to leave.

“Sir, i think you ought to see this”

“Guys”. Two officers crowding the corner of the cramped kitchen seperated which let him see what they were staring at.

They had put something down on the work surface with a clunk, before moving aside and one of them now picked it back up. It was a round, squat, silver kettle. Cordless with a base. The kettle was put aside and the base was lifted for him. Something was taped underneath. It was mangled and bloody but he went closer and could make it out. A human hand.

He moved closer not quite believing what he was seeing. It was female, slender with long nails, severed at the wrist, splattered in blood. Taped with a cross of white tape, it was fastened to the underside of the kettle’s base unit. Not seen in the first sweep, the kettle was flush to the work surface when replaced.

A hole was cut into the sideboard, rectangular in shape, which allowed the hand to sit inside, the kettle flat on top.





New writings

21 05 2006

I have posted some more of my writings in my Songwriting section. Take a look, leave comments, suggestions…i welcome them all.





I am just existing

19 05 2006


I dont feel that i am doing anything.

What is the difference between me lying here in bed in the dark and me lying in a bed in a dark hotel room in fiji. Not much.

What is the difference between me getting up and lying on the beach, to getting up and taking photos of people in the studio. In both i dont feel i am doing anything of value……so what am i doing……..nothing.

Lying on the beach in Malaysia a couple of years ago, i was getting antsy. I wanted to DO something. To affect something i guess.

Living in my uncles house, taking photographs by day in a studio. I’m not doing anything, this is an excuse for a life. A face to show to everyone else that i am doing something…SOMETHING.

Meanwhile i am looking book and consulting people to find that ‘thing’ that i want to do. What is this magic thing. I am coming to believe that there is no one thing which will fulfill me.

I have to express my natural self, use my talents and abilities in a way which fulfils me. I experience this not just in the doing of, but in the outcome and the opinions thereafter.

I need it to come from me. Not directed by others.

This interestingly and unintentionally ties in with what a psychic said to me a year ago. She said she felt i was waiting for something. This is what i feel. The life i want, the expression of me is out there……and in here…….but where?

PS
———————–
Has everything i have done since 2001 has been a cover, an excuse for money?

Am i lazy or just lack motivation for the real thing which will help me feel fulfilled?

Do i need to go to bed now………..yuhuh!

Nightnight





Photo of the Day

17 05 2006





Photo of the Day

16 05 2006





Tintern Abbey

15 05 2006

Had a lovely weekend with a friend in Hereford, great weather too…


On the way back i drove past the slightly eerie Tintern Abbey, knocked apart by Mr K H the 8th sometime around 1536? What a plonker.

It jumps out at you when you come round a bend in the road, much like the Reichstag did to me in Berlin. Large old buildings in the middle of somewhere you weren’t expecting them to be!





What is ‘purpose’…my written thought process

15 05 2006

What is my ‘purpose’ – do i feel it to be some god sent purpose for being here? One that i feel fulfilled by. Do i need a purpose? Is it helpful? What does “my purpose” mean to me? It means doing something I am meant to do. ‘Meant’ to do, ‘meant’ . Meant by who, by me, by a higher being?

I think my purpose is to feel fulfilled, firstly., fulfillment from what i am doing/being.
I think i have had that feeling when i mentored people at Yell and when i started working at Ashley Down primary school. So can i have that fulfillment from other things too? Ie. what is the feeling i have playing guitar it’s happyness – contentment – relaxation. Its not the same, could it be as powerful a driving force. What is the difference between that and what i got from mentoring the boy at Ashley Down…..hmmmmm.

Taking peoples photos can be fun and emotionally fulfilling when i get a positive response from a child. But only at those times is it emotionally fulfilling, fun though. Emotionally fulfilling is giving people confidence, making them feel better. Is this my purpose or a need of mine? When talking to my personal coach I felt a warmth towards doing something I am good at which expresses myself to others. Guitar/Songwriting/Singing perhaps.

I want to explore the counseller/therapist route but cannot do this while working at the photography studio due to time constraints. So i must leave this job.

So while i explore the whole guitar/counselling volunteer thing as after work activities I can do work involving giving people more confidence, Mentoring/Coaching in a low tech role during the day, perhaps in a call centre as it is easy to get into .

So looking at all this, if I am meant to have a ‘purpose’ it is to be fulfilled by what i do. If I were to take it further it would to help people feel better, increase their confidence and mood, by my actions. Can I get this only by mentoring/coaching or playing on stage infront of people also….is it as powerful?

By thinking of my purpose as a necessary thing to do I put pressure on myself which creates resistance. Action/Reaction?

Focus on my next role, my fulfillment.

Actions
————————————————————-
Volunteering at Bristol Childrens Hospital = fun
Volunteering at Relate for example = fulfillment and insight
Work at call center as mentor = fulfillment and money
Explore coaching as part time work = fulfillment
Organise singing lessons, near future = possibilities
Contact singing friend re music session = overcoming fear CHECK!





Life from another viewpoint

14 05 2006

Its so interesting, seeing my life from anothers viewpoint. Especially when it is a good friend who is a trainee psychologist/counsellor (you can still do it M, volunteer! )

I took a fresh look at my life from what she said and realised some interesting truths. I AM hiding away somewhat, i am scared and hold that fear inside. Scared of what people say about me, scared of what others think. No it may not seem like it but it’s there. I want SO much but am not going for it. I want to go the US but dont want to go there just to do crappy 5 pound and hours jobs. I came back from canada with the ideal of finding a job/work/career that inspires me, something i could go to Canada (/West Coast US) WITH. I came back wanting to find myself in this country, close to family and friends. I want to restart this journey.

Is this a good way to do it do you think? Might i just as well find some way to get out to the US and do what i am doing here, over there. The culture is so much more agreeable to me out there, here the british reserve affects me and i hold myself in, away from the world. Perhaps i would be better off over there?

So i have started to see a personal coach and have just got in contact with a psychotherapist to help myself see past these issues and give me a leg up no creating a life i enjoy and feel part of.





Evenings walk

11 05 2006

Wow, lovely weather over here right now. Warm sun and relaxed people all around me 🙂

I went out for a walk, so relaxing, woke up feeling dizzy and spaced, this walk really chilled me out.

A few questions though…….how did the cat get up there?…..and who left the shoes behind….?

🙂





The only way is up

11 05 2006


Berlin Arrow, originally uploaded by Ski Pro Photo Guy.

Can you guess what this was on in Berlin?

Was it a) someones hat b)a street sign c) on an elevator





Berlin Double Decker

11 05 2006


P1000759, originally uploaded by Ski Pro Photo Guy.

Ahh, the life on the upper deck. Of course as brits we went straight upstairs 🙂





Doing my nut in and re-ignighting old friendships

11 05 2006

AAhh. I keep waking up at 430am, my head buzzing with ideas about my life and work.
Do i want to be a journalist, a careers advisor, a dietician, a life coach, a landscape architect.

I am visiting a life coach at the moment to help sort this madness out.
I figure that having someone else help me sort through my thoughts will focus and motivate me.

The photography job is going ok, will be leaving at the end of june for something different.

I have just got in contact again with a friend of mine from Canada. She is an ex-brit who moved over there a few years ago. I met her when I was ski instructing in 2003/4

Good to catch up again andrea!