I am just existing

19 05 2006

I dont feel that i am doing anything.

What is the difference between me lying here in bed in the dark and me lying in a bed in a dark hotel room in fiji. Not much.

What is the difference between me getting up and lying on the beach, to getting up and taking photos of people in the studio. In both i dont feel i am doing anything of value……so what am i doing……..nothing.

Lying on the beach in Malaysia a couple of years ago, i was getting antsy. I wanted to DO something. To affect something i guess.

Living in my uncles house, taking photographs by day in a studio. I’m not doing anything, this is an excuse for a life. A face to show to everyone else that i am doing something…SOMETHING.

Meanwhile i am looking book and consulting people to find that ‘thing’ that i want to do. What is this magic thing. I am coming to believe that there is no one thing which will fulfill me.

I have to express my natural self, use my talents and abilities in a way which fulfils me. I experience this not just in the doing of, but in the outcome and the opinions thereafter.

I need it to come from me. Not directed by others.

This interestingly and unintentionally ties in with what a psychic said to me a year ago. She said she felt i was waiting for something. This is what i feel. The life i want, the expression of me is out there……and in here…….but where?

Has everything i have done since 2001 has been a cover, an excuse for money?

Am i lazy or just lack motivation for the real thing which will help me feel fulfilled?

Do i need to go to bed now………..yuhuh!




2 responses

22 05 2006

hi it’s maud
if you want to forget that you don’t know what to do… there is an esay method: just dance all night, see girls who have no brains but big t… and drink vodka
if you don’t like this: try praying and living with men wearing robes
tell me what you think

23 05 2006
Andy Maxwell

ahh, yes, a great suggestion…but that does suggest that i am somewhat shallow……no…hold on…..bollox to that….show me the way baby! Amen 🙂

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